Just came back from our youth leaders retreat... so much to tell but I'm so tired. Throughout my stay I only slept for more or less 4 hours every night. But the event was great. There were 20 delegates from 5 churches. It kinda sucked because 5 came out of 17 churches. But it was still good. God really moved. We stayed in a Koren retreat place in Silang, Cavite. It was my 2nd time to visit there, and will be visiting again for Holy Week retreat 2006 of our church. It was also there that the election of new officers to lead section 2 youth, and I was one of them.

I'll be going tomorrow to Silang, Cavite for a youth leaders retreat. Will be gone til Thursday evening.

[Taken via K750i panorama feature] Yesterday was Christmas Day Sunday service. Church was packed. I thought it wouldn't be because it used to be that Christmas Service is attended by few. It was great. Pastor Johnson and Sis. Karen's son Kevin came with them. He came two nights ago. He stays in Hollywood, California pursuing his passion for film. After service, we went to the house dedication of Sis. Cindee & Bro. Reynold. After dedication went to Robinson's Place to spend some dead time because later the church staff has dinner with the Johnson's. Did some late Christmas shopping. At dinner in Golden Fortune, it was the traditional Lau Riat on a lazy susan. It's been a long time since I had that. The entrees were delightful: spinach soup, cold cuts, asparagus and brocolli, sweet & sour pork, pineapple rice, crabs and steamed fish. At the end of the dinner it was time for balut for the Johnsons. Kevin would go for anything. They asked me to take pictures & video from their K750i (yeah both Pastor & Sis. Karen has same phone as mine.) At the end of the night, he downed 2 balut eggs and chicken feet dimsum. Pastor Johnson had 1 egg and chicken feet. They said it wasn't as bad as it looks. After that we gave gifts and head home. Yesterday was a busy day.

Christmas musts I did this year: - Set-up the Christmas tree and decors - Listen to Jose Mari Chan's Christmas in Our Hearts

Count Your Blessings (Instead of Sheep)

When I'm worried and I can't sleep, I count my blessing instead of sheep And I fall asleep, counting my blessings When my bankroll is gettin' small I think of when I had none at all And I fall asleep, counting my blessings I think about a nursery And I picture curly heads And one by one I count them As they slumber in their beds If you're worried and you can't sleep Just count your blessings instead of sheep And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings. So if you're worried and you can't sleep Just count your blessings instead of sheep And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings.

"For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace there will beno end..." Isaiah 9:6-7

It's my 24th year to celebrate Christmas. Through the years as we grow old, as some would observe, the magic of Christmas is slowly fading. I began to wonder why is this so. And I looked in my life. I haven't yet totally given up on the Christmas spirit, because there's still inner child within me that hopes for the Christmas the way we did before. I think there are a couple of reasons why the spirit of Christmas seem to fade. I think that relation to time has changed, not time itself. As we grow old, we grow worries and responsibilities. Though being responsible is good, we lose vision why we are doing it. I think it's good to be a Peter Pan sometime, the boy who didn't grow old. Our relationships stay the same, but as we grow old they are slowly worn out, unless carefully tended. I also noticed that through a decade ago we're the longest Christmas celebrating nation in the world, I beg to differ in this time. Christmas is does not come now as early as September, and not as late as February. Has the average Filipino lose hope, the drive to look on the good future in the midst of uncertainty? Is this how a teenage family celebrate Christmas? The shouts of children gone, now replaced with apathy and cynicism. My dream of Christmas, more than any other time of the year, is when I am surrounded with people I love, their importance to me and the realization of it all. My prayer is that my kids would celebrate Christmas in its wondrous and amazing purpose. I dare to ask, where does Jesus Christ come to play in His divine yet utterly humanized and commercialized season. I feel that Christians sanitize Christmas too much. We take out the reds and the greens of Christmas which translates our efforts to celebrate it rather than popularize it. On the other hand, we must not also neglect the true spirit of Christmas, the remembrance of that day when the Man who opened doors for a God-damned people. I begin to reflect the true heart of Christmas and the question if it is still true in my heart in it's total purity and purest value - His grace, His presence and His work in my life.

Less than 4 hours 'til Christmas. Today we had a family reunion at home with my lolo's children and grandchildren. Evening before that I asked my mom not to wake me up because I wanted to rest. Somehow I wasn't too excited about the family reunion. Well, for one the cousins not that close already. We used to be close when we where kids, back when the families lived close to each other and we celebrate Christmas in Avenida. Today, we live far from each other, as north as Novaliches, as south as Cavite, as far as Singapore and Dubai. My grandfather is immobile. Somehow the patriarch that galvanized the families is not so strong. They began to arrive one by one. Time has truly flown, we had grown some age. My cousins showed remarkable change physically. We have all grown up. The reunion was ok, we only had a simple feast, just like before. We had our computer set up so that my tito's family in Singapore can chat with us here. We had our annual group picture with my grandfather. Late afternoon they began to leave one by one. Spent the day watching movies, chatting and just chillin. Tomorrow's still Sunday, we have Sunday Service, December 25, which I remarked is Jesus' birthday so the more we shouldn't be absent. Yesterday, was December 23, my dad's aunt's birthday. It was an annual thing, we visit them in Aranque. I do not like it. Actually I didn't plan to go. Because there's so much familial and status division among the two matriarchs, them being pure Chinese and us, being half-Chinese. I don't want to belong to any of it. It's ridiculous. I don't wanna go through details, I don't wanna be such a pessimist now, it's Christmas.

I went to work today. I was able to drive cause the traffic coding was lifted. I didn't accomplish much at office because my key person was not around. In the afternoon went to Shangrila Mall in Ortigas, it was quite an ordeal going there because it was my first time to go there via Katipunan. Shangrila's parking (Parking 4) is the worst I'd ever seen, it topped Robinson's Manila and SM San Lazaro. It gave me a headache. I met a client there, who was getting into my nerves because he was so unprofessional and uncoordinated. Because of the long meeting, I missed dinner with my officemates in Marikina Riverbanks. Went home through traffic. It's all good.

Today I only stayed at home. I forgot that we had a meeting at our school regarding our class project. I am so in the vacation-mode right now that the meeting only triggered in my mind in the evening. I preached last Sunday. It was good. On the first service, towards the end of my sermon I went emotional, I couldn't understand why the sudden outburst of emotion in what I am preaching. I preached about the importance of prayer and how it plays into the salvation of our loved ones. Also I had a bad case of flu since last Wednesday, so I was caught up between speaking and breathing and crying. Second round went better though. It was a busy Sunday. After church, Pastor and I went to Manila Faith to attend Kuya Jess' son's dedication lunch party. We left after an hour. Then in the afternoon it was crunch time to make final and last-minute preparations for our Christmas party at Johan's subdivision. The party went great but short. But I'm grateful that somehow I was able to redeem myself after few months of indecisive leadership due to changes in my lifestyle & schedules. Monday our youth staff meet for a year-end planning for 2006. After which Brznf treated us to Tapa King in CCP. It was good.

"If you get tired while racing against people, how can you race against horses? If you stumble in a country that is safe, what will you do in the thick thornbushes along the Jordan River?"

- Jeremiah 12:5

I'm here now at University of the Philippines Los Banos. I visited the Chi Alpha student center here in UPLB and also to have some rest on the side. The workers here are truly inspiring, dedicated and committed bunch of young lady pastors. Kuya Sur and Ate Merla are with me and we had a great time. Although in the remotest places of rest and relaxation you still get those calls that tests your faith. But praise God for His goodness and presence here with me. I pray that He will let me endure this ordeal until my Sunday preaching.

Today is a great day. It was weird I woke up 4am, with a clear mind, but I went back to sleep. Somehow I later thought God woke me up. Then woke up again at 7am. I wanted to go to chapel service at school so I planned to leave house early. I dropped my brother to school then went to Makati just in time for chapel. For the first time this semester I was able to attend chapel service. The school's added a Tuesday service. It was really a time of refreshing. My classmate Ptr. Manny delivered the message. Ptr. Jae, Frank and I lunched at this sausage place (like Cafe Briton) not far from school. First class was Leadership in Missions. Our professor was absent, but she had invited a guest speaker for us. Kuya Nathaniel Ramos, a former pastor in Bataan, a marriage counselor/missionary in Japan, now an ACM coordinator and taking up a master in ATS. He wasn't into a lecture approach, he wanted interaction and discussion. I was nerved about it, because our discussions were too abstract/"philosophized" for me, plus I'm not yet at home in this class to speak my mind among them. It's funny that the speaker missed to let me introduce myself during roll-call that made me an attention in the class. And after I introduced myself, I never spoke again. But it was a good discussion, I learned alot. It reminded me not to take in everything I read, it's important to study it and decide if I will accept it as my own. Kuya Nat evaluated a man's article about methods in church. Kuya Nat criticized that leaders need to be more concerned about relationships rather than methodology. Ma'am Marcia is also not around for our OT class, and she had two subs to take over the class. I wanted Ma'am Marcia because I was already sleepy and going to my happy place. We were dismissed early. I drove home and it was raining.

Yesterday, I realized my source of happiness. I'm happy because I'm contented, a deliberate, voluntary act which I understood pure well at that short frame of time. I realize I need to be content to experience the joy in God's presence. Recently, I'm in a search of something, a niche I could fit into so that I'm set firm and immovable. After resignation, I managed to take in more responsibilities rather than minimize & focus on a few...

Recently I saw Oprah on TV campaigning on her new theme: "What have you done today to make you feel proud?" It's a really good campaign and I will try to do it. Everyday I will blog how I made a difference at the end of the day.

"I found I could not live without enjoying the presence of God; and if any time a cloud came over me, I could not rest, I could not study, I could not attend to anything with the least satisfaction of benefit, until medium was again cleared between my soul and God."

- Charles Finney

I woke up today excessively happy, happy like a Happy Meal (I just found out yesterday that McNuggets are already a mascot). I don't know why, but suddenly I have this Joy that is obviuosly God's and I thank Him for it. Office now, later...

Rainy days past few days. Mornings are cold. Yesterday I spent the whole day at home. In the evening I went to the ministers' banquet celebration in Crowne Plaza Hotel in Ortigas for the 25th Anniversary of our district. It was great to see my kuyas, ates and friends together in one place. Speaker Dr. Eli Javier exhorted a moving speech on the history of the district dating back 70's and how the present church must remember and never forget. It was a very rare occassion in my life because it was just the second time I wore a barong Tagalog but I do look good in it I should say :) On the way home, in the parking lot, it was then that I realized I was parked beside Kuya Jerry's car and soon enough I saw him with Kuya Alvin, Ate Anj and Kuya Wilbert. The car is having problems with the steering wheel, the wheels are going crazy. For the past week I've been receiving lots of books. Last Christmas party at work I got 3 books from Pastor Nick, he's British. I still don't have any idea what's he doing in APCC. But it still baffles me that he gave me the gift when we just met once before this, like "what did I do?" Then the next day at office I found 3 more books in my desk. Apparently our office always give out books to its workers. So now I have more than 6 unread books. I want to get more shelves because books are just hanging out at home.

Watching Probe Team about recent 23rd Southeast Asian Games in Manila... I think those visiting athletes and officials who lost to Filipinos during the games and claiming that they were cheated or judged unfairly in favor of Filipinos are sore losers. Being Filipino, I am insulted that we are treated as such. I believe Filipinos can prove to the nations that we have something to be proud of.

Today I did not go to school. I woke up too late. So in summary, I missed all my classes this week! Great. I'm still in this transition-not-yet-settled mode... I'm in search of something permanent or at least long-term. Not relationship, I figured there are more important things in life meaning I'm just sour-graping.

All in Life

Carman A fortune made, a goal achieved | But in God's sight, what does it mean? | If I don't glorify Your name | The things I do, I'll do in vain | Oh Lord, to please You is what I yearn | Help me remember this Truth I've learned... That kingdoms come and kingdoms go | But through the Word of God I know | When all in life is done and past | Only what's done for Christ will last To sacrifice and reach a star | But then lose sight of who You are is never worth the price, I know to gain the world and lose the soul | I know now what You've tried to say, Lord, to me | My spirit can understand | Now, I can see... That kingdoms come and kingdoms go | But through the Word of God I know | When all in life is done and past | Only what's done for Christ will last

We (Asia Pacific Campus Challenge/Book of Hope) had Christmas party celebration this evening at Italianni's at Gateway Mall in Cubao. Even though I had been there for three weeks now, I appreciate their warm effort to make me feel like family. Everybody is there with their family except our bosses, Pastor Ty and Cina. We had exchange gift and stuff. We also got a great treat from Italianni's - a lifetime 20% discount card from Italianni's, Fridays and Outback. After dinner, we went to Starbucks Eastwood Libis to unwind and fellowship. While in Eastwood, I discovered this great CD produced by Chin-chin Guttierez. "Uyayi: First Songs" is a remarkable collection of indegenous lullabies from Philippines, from the peaks of Cordillera to the shores of Maguindanao.

Yesterday, I left my wallet at home when I went to the office with my driver's license and money. Only noticed when my mom texted me that she found my wallet. Not wanting to take a long-route via MRT & LRT, I braved the road back home to pick up my stuff with no license, no cash and almost-empty gas. Kids don't try this at home. So it was a waste of gas going two times to and from office.

Monday. Just came in at office. An hour before I was in bed struggling to get up because I slept late. Watched the documentary about Filipino Movies from the 50's up till present. Later.

"Leadership is the other side of the coin of loneliness, and he who is a leader must always act alone. And in acting alone, accept everything alone."

- Ferdinand Marcos 10th president of the Philippines Born September 11, 1917

Today I had a better day. Things are looking up :D In our Missions class we had a speaker, Tita Nene, a Filipino missionary in Israel. She brought some props from Israel, this one, a thornbush, which its pointed thorns pierced the head of Jesus during his passion. She also showed us a fruit from a locust tree, which looks like sampaloc or tamarind (which John the Baptist feasted on with honey in the desert, all along I thought it was locust as in grasshopper). It was an uplifting experience hearing how God's Word is being fulfilled in Israel, signifying that His return is definitely near. What a marvelous day it would be. Earlier I took my laptop to ASUS service center. I was very impressed with the service. For weeks now my DVD-RW can't read and write CD. I called them last week and they told me I had to have my original receit and warranty card, which I already lost. But nevertheless they asked me to bring it there for inspection, and I got a great favor. They replaced the hardware without receit and warranty card! They temporarily replaced it with a DVD-ROM/CD-RW and will replace it with a new DVD-RW in a few months as they still have to order it overseas. Classes today were great. In Old Testament survey, hearing Ma'am Marcia tell and reflect on Bible stories is always a joy.

Hilarious Music Video Spoof

I've put this in my "When I'm Sad" bookmarks. Hilarious.

Go Team Philippines!

How does a parent feel when he is rejected by his children? After bringing them into the world, they were the source of his joy and wholeness. The fondness only a father and child can share. In this stage the father is their hero, and their protector. The father provides for his children, and see to it that every one has, no one left empty-handed. He even might have favorites, even though that he wouldn't admit. But then they reach adolescence, and children slowly drift away from him. This the father does not understand why. A relationship turned bland. No matter how he tries to bridge that former fondness it seems that the child wants none of it. Now he sits in the background alone, waiting. He wants to be angry lest he drive his children away even more. He could plead lest his pride turns on him. He is growing restless, utilizing every inch of strategy his mind can think of just to keep them by his side. He has grown weary, he wants to be a child himself so he could run to his Father and weep - bitterly. Oh what a tragedy when fathers are rejected by their children!

Take My Life and Let It Be

Text: Frances R. Havergal, 1836-1879 Music: Louis J.F. Herold; arr. by George Kingsley Take my life and let it be consecrated to Thee. Take my moments and my days, let them flow in ceaseless praise. Take my hands and let them move at the impulse of Thy love. Take my feet and let them be swift and beautiful for Thee. Take my voice and let me sing always, only for my King. Take my lips and let them be filled with messages from Thee. Take my silver and my gold not a mite would I withhold. Take my intellect and use every power as You choose. Take my will and make it Thine it shall be no longer mine. Take my heart it is Thine own it shall be Thy royal throne. Take my love, my Lord I pour at Your feet its treasure store Take myself and I will be ever, only, all for Thee.

I Am Thine, O Lord

I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice, And it told Thy love to me; But I long to rise in the arms of faith And be closer drawn to Thee. Consecrate me now to Thy service, Lord, By the power of grace divine; Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope, And my will be lost in Thine. O the pure delight of a single hour That before Thy throne I spend, When I kneel in prayer, and with Thee, my God I commune as friend with friend! There are depths of love that I cannot know Till I cross the narrow sea; There are heights of joy that I may not reach Till I rest in peace with Thee. Draw me nearer, nearer blessed Lord, To the cross where Thou hast died. Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord, To Thy precious, bleeding side.

I failed to blog about this this week. This week I experienced loneliness and downess in my life. I believed it stemed from losing time alone with God. I began to drift away. Now I see it so clear and obvious that it was that factor that changed my countenance. Hours turned to days making it harder and harder to commune with Him. Then the storms which I have endured and weathered before through Him came and knocked me down. The difference - His presence. Through the end of the week every worry, concern and enemy attacks piled up that I wanted burst this swelling emotion within me. Thanks to such people who I can call friends more than church mates who gave me the permission (even if I'm their group leader) to vent out my problems as a human like them. Too often people tend to idolize their leaders too much but they don't see that they are still humans (living by grace). Prayer meeting after that was an uplifter too. After prayer meeting, still trying to get back in track, a person came and tried to argue with me about his New Age belief. I was so stressed out after talking to that person, then I was again in a low. Morning came with a feeling of nothing much to be excited on. I came in skeptic and grumpy. But then I look around as I hit those keys, "nobody really pays attention to you, your deliberate distraction, because everyone's all eyes and ears to God." I realized my sort-of pity partying didn't pull off. Afternoon came and I visited a friend who is also a pastor. That was a breather, I was encouraged. I really needed that. We both prayed for each other, voiced our concerns in the ministry and life. I left partly charged up. Then I came home, anticipating on an activity tomorrow. We're supposed to do something together. But everyone's just not up for it. What a downer. I was fed up, I wanted to burst. Even though I knew where I should come for counsel and comfort, it took me until tonight to come before Him. I wanted to cry and I did. I wanted to let Him feel what I feel. I am a wounded soldier. His words brought me comfort and empathy. His Word charged me up. It was His fellowship that I was longing for all along. I got my song back. I am free. God is really good! Praise God. His mercies endures forever.

Kevin and Me at church. I look really tired.

Demitri Martin Liners

“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. Especially if your teammates are bad guessers.” "'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after "I love you" or "You're going to live." "I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says "go outside." "If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half." "Another term for "balloon" is: bad breath holder."

Haven't blog for days. Very busy. Good and bad. Bad, I am losing time alone with God... Last Sunday I bought an Orange and Lemon CD "Strike the Iron Whilst It's Hot" I love their sound, fusion of 80's, 60's and acid... Wednesday, I learned that it was fasting day over at the office. Good thing I ate heavy breakfast before I came to office. Work is good. I enjoy it, I am unsure why, though unconciously it maybe I am experiencing a sense of being and significance as studies often say. For one, I like it because it kills time. I spend less money. I eat less, only during breaks (that means I eat a lot!) I don't have to talk too much. But driving to and from office I don't like specially in the area... Today, went to school, our professor today taught in video because he was somewhere in Ukraine this time... Before that I went to my friend's mom's office to deliver work and collect fees. And I was again probed for still not having a girlfriend, and my face just sank. Because I'm tired of making up reasons, in the end I said, "Perhaps it's not yet time, but I believe me I am getting impatient." Which became a long mind-conversation and destructive reflection with God... After school I met my family to visit my cousin who was a victim of a hostage crisis receiving multiple stab wounds... Saturday, we had carecell at Johann's place, and he cooked for us, he just finished his culinary certification for this culinary course in Singapore on January '06. And Chubby his Chow-chow already grew so big and cute (just don't smell him), he looks like a lion now. What am I doing? I should be sleeping.

Next Big Thing #1: Demitri Martin

I'm not much of a stand-up comedy fan, but I saw this guy Demetri Martin in Conan O'Brien tonight he was hilarious. He shoots out these short-liners which really speaks to me. Like his style. Definitely a Next Big Thing. Some of his funny observations, something like these: - Swimming is a confusing sport. At one time you may be doing it for fun, at another you are trying to stay alive. - No one really sends their regards in person. - I saw a bookmark sold for a dollar, I used the dollar.

First day at work. They asked me to come by 11AM, cause the car of Kuya Raymond, our senior graphic artist, is color-coding today. I came at 10AM, he's already there too. I had a hard time looking for parking. Everyone in the office is asking me if I'm part of Book of Hope now, I didn't know how to answer that, because I'm working part-time. Kuya Rodel is the funny guy. I really wanted to work in an office environment for a change, and it sure is a change. In the office you are able to focus on work, which at home you cannot do because there are a lot of distractions. So I had a productive afternoon. And since I have no sense of time in my previous work, it wasn't a deal for me to stay later than 5PM. But everyone is already leaving and no one will lock the office. So I was the second to the last person, who would lock the door, who left. I had much more stress driving than working at the office. It was so traffic and I am new to the area. So I was so tense not to make a wrong turn or get lost. I came home with strained legs because of stepping between the gas and the breaks. When I got home I received a news that my cousin, my aunt's daughter, became a victim of a hostage and got multiple stab wounds. There was this snatcher who was pursued by the police this morning and randomly pick a hostage to defend himself. Her lung was punctured. But she is safe now recovering in the hospital.

Heaven Knows (The Angel Has Flown)

Orange And Lemons There are times when I’m lying in my bed | Hug my pillow and cry from this tip again | And my eyes are like windshields on a rainy day | Almost rubbed down, swelling, as I keep on | Dipping my face in these cold hands of mine | Heaven knows how bitter I am [+] ‘Cause this angel has flown away from me | Leaving me in drunken misery | I should have clipped her wings and made her mine for all eternity | Now this angel has flown away from me | Thought I had the strength to set her free | Did what I did because I love her so | Will she ever find her way back home to me I’m so tired, I feel like catching forty winks | Being up all night in this elbow room | That puts me in a trance | Where hopes and dreams come true | Now my lips are burning and my eyes are hurting | From this fuse I mixed till I light another | Cigarette just to pass my time | Heaven knows how bitter I am

Yesterday was totally a bad day. I suffered a suicidal-depression-all-the-world-is-against-me attack yesterday. But it was just a day-phase, now I even forgot what I was ranting about. But of course except for that one bit of childish want. I'm a big paraniod baby. So people beware, keep feeding me information. Anyway, everythings back into perspective now. I should be sleeping now. I told myself that my regular time for sleep should be 10PM. I am able to wake up at 6:30AM but there's just no creative juice flowing in my brain in the morning. But it's a great time for devotion though. Recently I bought two maps, a world map and a Philippine map, and taped it in the front and back leaf of my Bible, so I can pray for at least one nation a day. Today I placed an Indonesian map in another leaf. I want to be part of the global mission of bringing the nations to Christ. Back at church, I came in few minutes late with every high school cell people waiting outside our church because of this hellish traffic we're experiencing in Divisoria and Binondo. It was quite a rush. Going to church, I was doing a marathon like walking at a fast pace cause running would tire me more and it'll look like I'm running away from something. Our cellgroup in high school has been suffering some blows. Praise God for two faithful girls who attend. The volunteers even outnumbered the students! Supposed to be we could number more than 10 students, but each of those had an excuse to miss it, plus one who ran away from home. It made me think, "What's happening to our church?" Another issue that's the talk of the town is about that critical lady who finally left with her family but now pulling out every member that she brought into the church. I mean, please stop bringing it up! It's like chewing and chewing on a week long gum. It just makes my ear tingle and my bad vindictive man show up from hiding. The message during worship today was "Who will stand up for me? Who will stand up for the nations and for this city? I need men who will stand and pray for the nations..."

Vindication

How long should I take this? How long must I be put to shame? You have made me a laughing stock to my self; A ridicule among the dead. You said it is not for sin that I am tested, instead You are teaching me a virtue. But what virtue must I learn that You would cause the life to be snuffed out of me; To be doused by the cold and careless waves? Oh Lord, I cannot understand why I must go through such beating. I could meddle with prostitutes, And turn away from Your harsh chastisement; Or move far away where my children cannot find me, But in this battle I am bound to lose by opposing You. It is You I fear, therefore I love; It is Your unfailing love That keeps me running back to You, Your faithfulness proving how fragile and foolish a creature I am. Fill me with Your understanding; Let me weep on Your shoulder, Somehow this agony would be eased; That when again I stretch my wings I will not fear, And on that day I will put my trust in You alone.

Today I drafted my schedule on paper and I realized that I had so much dead time at hand. Book of Hope Philippines finally called me regarding my job application two weeks ago. But today I sense that I will focus on campus ministry for the next few months. So I became half-hearted to fully commit as full time staff in Book of Hope. So I e-mailed them asking for cancelation, but they still asked me to come over even as a part-time which was cool for me. I will be starting next week for 2 days a week. I will be working on type-setting the English Book of Hope into Tagalog versions. I can sense that this work will be rewarding. I just pray that 2 days a week of work would be enough to meet the deadlines. The campus ministry gig is getting clearer and clearer as the day goes. Ate Merla is coming over by February, and she's also visiting from Ilo-ilo City on December for our initial planning with Kuya Sur. These are exciting days!!!

Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, "I find no pleasure in them"- Before the sun and the light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain; When the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop, when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows grow dim; When the doors to the street are closed and the sound of grinding fades; when men rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint; When men are afraid of heights and of dangers in the streets; when the almond tree blossoms and the grasshopper drags himself along and desire no longer is stirred. Then man goes to his eternal home and mourners go about the streets. Remember him—before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, or the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it. - King Solomon

Woke up today pretty early cause I slept early. For the past days I've been back to sleeping late again. It's better waking up early. So I was able to have devotion before I did anything today. School's been up and busy. I have a meeting today in APCC, because for a while I wanted to join their team but I'm not so sure now because I feel that is not what God wants me to do. One of the most embarassing moments of my young adult life. Last Saturday, I drove the new car to church. On the way out, I always go up to this steep ramp. The car had some problem in the gas, and my dad reminded me to heat up the engine for at least 10 minutes. But because I'm hard-headed and too excited I took it out after 5 minutes. So when I tried to go up the inclined road, the engine died halfway and started sliding down. I managed to lift the handbreak and tried again and again to start the engine but failed. I was profusely sweating because I was nerved-out and it was a hot afternoon. And everybody in the neighborhood was like looking at me wondering why i stopped for almost an hour. I called my dad to help me, and to add to my loser-moment, when my dad drove the car on the ramp, it went straight up in single try. After that my dad took the car to a shop and the problem was fixed.

Yesterday was the weirdest day. My dad got a new (not really new, a first hand) car, a space wagon a few days ago. I got to drive it last Thursday night. Until now, I still experience headaches driving it. Because it was so large and bumpy. On the other hand, These past few days I sleep later that before which could also trigger those headaches. I had been itching to buy this phone, a Sony Ericsson K750i. And yesterday I finally got it. Also got a Sun sim. Practice last night was a little weird. I cannot feel the 'kick' to the confusion of my bandmates. Really weird. Perhaps, I noticed that my voice is different. I could'nt reach the high notes. God is really good AND faithful, my freelance work is going healthy. Today I had devotion, even though I already woke up pretty late (around 11). But still managed to dwell on His Word.. I am so pumped up reading Jeremiah and John. There is joy and peace, His Word is alive! Jeremiah readings: 'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 'Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 'You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. Jer 29:11 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Jer 31:3 "Then the virgin will rejoice in the dance, And the young men and the old, together, For I will turn their mourning into joy, And will comfort them and give them joy for their sorrow. Jer 31:13 "Set up for yourself roadmarks, Place for yourself guideposts; Direct your mind to the highway, The way by which you went. Return, O virgin of Israel, Return to these your cities. Jer 31:21

From Voice of Martyrs monthly newsletter on recent China news... Although China allows "belief" in a religion, the Chinese constitution does not guarantee the right to practice that religion. Adults often face severe consequences for religious actions but generally are not required to deny their faith. However, officials attempt to weaken children's faith by encouraging them to deny Jesus altogether. According to Open Doors, Public Security Bureau officers recently burst into a Sunday school room and herded 30 children into a van. Despite the scary situation, one child started singing. The van soon was filled with song. Upon arrival at the police station, the children marched bravely into the interrogation room still singing to the Lord. Threatened with having to write "I do not believe in Jesus" 100 times before they would be released, the children instead wrote: "I believe in Jesus today. I will believe in Jesus tomorrow. I will believe in Jesus forever!" Exasperated, officials called the children's parents, some of whom denied Christ. When a widowed believer came to pick up her twin sons, she refused to deny Jesus. The officers threatened her: "If you do not deny Jesus, we will not release your sons!" The widow replied, "Well, I guess you will just have to keep them, because without Jesus, there would be no way for me to take care of them!" With no avenues left open to them, the officials said, "Take your sons and go!" Give thanks and praise to God for the faithful witness of these children. Pray the light of their faith will brighten the spiritual darkness around them. Pray God will continue to strengthen them as they face the pressures of adulthood.

+++ Jeremiah Readings

Yesterday I met a client in 7650 Makati. He was the company's project manager, an interior designer from UST. From the looks of him I assume that he was effeminate. After much awkward moments of silence and conversations, he learned that I am a youth pastor. I learned he went to church before and his mom is an active Christian. I also learned that he left the church in bad terms. I didn't want to look like I was probing too much about his personal life, but it left me mildly concerned, and sad that such things would happen to him. I wonder, is the Philippine church equipped and ready to cater to people who are in great need of a Savior's love and forgiveness? Much of the facade that we are building, at least what I see in my Christian environment, have been geared towards the "normal" person, the "minimal sinner". I thought, what if I invited this guy in our smallgroup, in our church service, will the congregation accept him? Will I eventually accept him? How does one reach out to a person who turned back from what he knew was the truth yet he perceives as already an unreachable state? I realize that it is only the love of Christ that will bring him back, a love that is not worried about "getting down and dirty." On this ramblings, I begin to admire and exalt the loving acceptance with no agendas, simply and pure steadfast love, Jesus expressed to us who are just so sinful. Lord, may I become like You.

The religion scholars and Pharisees led in a woman who had been caught in an act of adultery. They stood her in plain sight of everyone and said, "Teacher, this woman was caught red-handed in the act of adultery. Moses, in the Law, gives orders to stone such persons. What do you say?" They were trying to trap him into saying something incriminating so they could bring charges against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger in the dirt. They kept at him, badgering him. He straightened up and said, "The sinless one among you, go first: Throw the stone." Bending down again, he wrote some more in the dirt. Hearing that, they walked away, one after another, beginning with the oldest. The woman was left alone. Jesus stood up and spoke to her. "Woman, where are they? Does no one condemn you?" "No one, Master." "Neither do I," said Jesus. "Go on your way. From now on, don't sin."

John 8:3-11

Last Sunday's missions convention was awesome. Pastor Joedy closed the 3-day convention with a message of vision. A refreshing and reviving message, just what we needed. Somehow my cynical perception has been lifted away. There's always hope. I already have classes today. I just missed one. Got to subjects today. I still have post-sembreak bug. I might go to class later at 5.

Is God asking me to wait? Last night during Missions Convention at church I was burdened to cry for the campus, the University Belt specifically. I don't know if it was due to a "subliminal suggestion" from a friend. A few days ago, I was able to chat with Ate Merla, a campus ministry powerhouse in Iloilo City, and was urging her to come to Manila to reach the campus. The next day, she SMS me that she after much prayer and consideration, she is resigning from her office there and will be sailing to Manila. These are exciting days. Today I received two SMS quotes suggesting to wait for the Lord's answer. It even became a consideration for me to work freelance just for this semester. A friend's advise echoes about not missing the opportunity, unknowingly "[coming]... for such times as this." May God's word be swift for I am growing impatiently excited. On a side note, I felt cynical last night about the reaction of some in the congregation to the mission challenge. I thought we are good at laughing at light-heartedness of our speaker, but when it comes to actual "laboring" will there be hands that will raise up to take the challenge of prayer, sending and going? Forgive my melancholy (but I reserve a right to be skeptic), but are we shaping a congregation who warm their chairs and satisfy their fill? "There's not enough humor.. sermon was too long.." What kind of Christians are we raising?! Few days ago Pastor and I were discussing about attendance trend in the church and obviously we're going into the "low months." I can see the frustration and disdain of my pastor. I want to say something but I am equally without answer myself. It is during these times that I realize the enormous pressure our senior pastor faces. One thing is certain, our church is lacking prayer, the backbone of the church. We need prayer. Enough of our excuse that prayer and intercession is a gift to certain people, just as evangelism is a gift to certain people. I remembered in the message last night, the speaker said if Jesus did the most in his ministry, it was PRAYER and GOING FORTH.

"One man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter." - Raoul, Die Another Day "The defining characteristic of the Information Age is not speed, but the "compression of time." It is not so much that events are necessarily moving faster but that there is less time for leaders to respond to events than there used to be. This puts enormous pressure upon today's leader." - Spiritual Leadership, Blackaby "You know me, O Lord. You see me. And You examine my heart's attitude toward you..." - Jeremiah the prophet, Holy Bible (Jer 12:3)

The sky is dark today. Looks like it's gonna rain. Yesterday, I went to school to enroll. I got three subjects and one minor. 10 units in all. It was nice to see again schoolmates and professors. Can't wait to go back to school. Tuition was a reality-checker. And it's only now that I realized how high the tuition was. So I managed to pay only half. After enrollment, I went to RP to meet Kuya Sur and Ate Love. I wore this flowery red polo shirt that everyone was looking at that made me feel uneasy. After an hour of roaming around, I met Kuya Sur outside RP instead, cause he's waiting for Ate Love naman. So we ordered some food. Finally I was able to talk to Kuya Sur. Like before, I am really grateful that he helps me articulate my situations and decisions. I've been so wanting to talk to him about my next move in work. My initial plan was to join a ministry organization. After much questions and feedback from someone who's worked in one, I had doubts if this is the kind of work for me. I realized that perhaps I am longing for an output of an extended territory in ministry, which is true. That's why I'm serious to finish my seminary. But profit is still necessary for me for I need to support myself and family. I am not ready about going to an 8-5 office. And my work set-up before was ideal to me. Not that I regret resigning from the company, believe me I don't. But now I think I have to look for something similar. I need also an output for my creativity. His prayer for me is that God would begin to close every open door of opportunity so that only one door would be left open for me to enter. I own that prayer. It's raining hard. One benefit that I realized since I resigned from my job was that I was able to spend more time with God. I sleep early and wake up early in time for devotion. I pray more, I read more. I realized I trusted my work, it gave me face, not that it's totally wrong. Work is important for living. But this circumstance directed me to trust more in God. I remember our conversations about walking in faith, not that I have taken hold of it fully, just a glimpse of it.

"Some time later Paul said to Barnabas, "Let us go back and visit the brothers in all the towns where we preached the word of the Lord and see how they are doing." Barnabas wanted to take John, also called Mark, with them, but Paul did not think it wise to take him, because he had deserted them in Pamphylia and had not continued with them in the work. They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company. Barnabas took Mark and sailed for Cyprus, but Paul chose Silas and left, commended by the brothers to the grace of the Lord. He went through Syria and Cilicia, strengthening the churches." (Acts 15:36-41) It's unfortunate how wild passion dies so quickly at the first sign of tribulation. Hasn't the Lord told us to be faithful and remain sure-footed in Him? He desires faithfulness, not momentary passion. Hasn't He proven His goodness and faithfulness to us on the sea? Why not today, isn't the Lord effective for such times as this? Yet we trust ourselves more than the One who knows everything about us. "He who trusts himself trusts a fool". That's why He said on the mountain, "Be strong and take courage... for I will be with You always." Lord, teach me to bear this with grace and compassion. O Lord, You're beautiful Your grace is all I see And when Your eyes are on this child Your grace abounds in me

Will definitely watch out for this movie by Peter Jackson. Trailer is so cool.

Hilarious.

Nothing much to do today. Woke up pretty early. Had devotion in the morning. I wanted to go to SM North today to check out an earphone for my iPod but I slept and woke up exhausted because it was so hot. I suffered again those waking times when I couldn't move my body or utter a word, just manage to groan in mild panic because I couldn't get up. Spend time with family and bonding time with my cats 'cause I've been gone almost a week last week. Somehow the cats fail to recognize me for a few hours after a long time away from them. Yesterday, we held a youth concert for our church org's youth org. Thank God 'cause it went well for me for a first time as a large event coordinator despite several hindrances. We had three bands and three sets of praise and worship sets for the whole afternoon. I played keyboards for the last set. The sanctuary of Caloocan Bethel was full of young people excited to jump and sing before the Lord.

Why have You chosen me? Out of millions Your child to be You know all the wrongs I have done Oh how could You pardon me? Forgive my iniquities To save me give Jesus, Your Son O Lord, let me be what You want me to be Your Word I will strive to obey My life I will give, for You I will live And walk by Your side all the way

Photos>> Got back from Davao today at 2PM. It was rainy. I planned to go home.. or go to the mall since my family's going to church in the evening. I rode the taxi undecided where to go. Then I noticed the taxi fare from airport to Malate is P100 already, I thought how much more when I got home? So I asked the driver to take me to Binondo. It was tiring. Carrying a backpack, a sports bag and a box of durian. The South-Eastern Mindanao Chi-Alpha retreat held in Samal, Davao was great. I spoke for two nights and a day with Ate Merla from Iloilo. Praise God for His goodness and grace that He allowed me to communicate what He wanted me to communicate. I spoke about Faith Foundation, Identity in Christ and The Joshua Challenge. On the last evening, young people from the local AG there joined us and we numbered around 30. Throughout the retreat I got to know student leaders from SEM Chi Alpha. It's great to listen to what God is doing through XA in the campuses. Truly the Holy Spirit is moving even in this island. Ate Afel (pastor & xa coordinator for SEM) was truly a blessing and inspiration, a woman of humility. Thursday afternoon after retreat, Samal AG pastor Dario took us to Ligid Island for swimming and snorkeling. The reef is magnificent there. Even few meters from where we were staying the reef is full and beautiful. Too bad I didn't bring my gears. Early Friday morning we packed our bags and headed back to the city. Ate Merla was first to leave for Iloilo. So Kuya Arth kept me company. He introduced me to durian and checked out some pasalubong. For some time I forgot that I resigned in our company. Then I remembered it morning of the last day of retreat. I know the possible results of this move, and I cannot lie that I had worries and fears, the what if's. Woke up early around 5.30AM. God painted a beautiful picture in the sky. I felt His reassuring presence that everything is gonna be alright. I silently wept in unspoken love for Him. He took me to Psalm 91. It was a comfort for my soul.

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

At this moment I’m lying alone in an open bamboo cottage just beside the shores of Samal Island. It’s total darkness. Only the night lights illuminate the sky. Barges lit across the sea with rolling Davao mountains in the background. I can hear the sound of calm waves clashing through the shore. The place we settled in is an uncut diamond. A private resort off the island’s more popular resorts, we managed to arrive at 3PM. The sand is white and lined with trees. It reminds me of Bataraza in Palawan. I left Manila Domestic Airport at 10AM. I felt a little dizzy while on flight. Arrived at Davao International Airport 12NN. Ate Merla and Ate Afel were already waiting for me outside. We dropped by Gaisano Mall to have lunch. I remembered to text Kuya Arthur (or Bay Arths), my Dabaweno classmate in AIYS 2004. He helped us roam around the mall as we purchased last minute necessities. I forgot to bring my toothbrush. We and Kuya Arth separated ways after that. We took a taxi to the bus station crossing the strait going to the island of Samal. Truly time is slow in the rural. In the island the main means of transportation is not the tricycle but the motorcycle. We dropped by the house of Pastor Dario, an AG pastor (mind you) in Babak district in Samal. He was gracious enough to drive us to the resort. We still had to drop by his church to pick up a karaoke and a guitar, the wet market to buy food for tonight. The place I’m staying in has no electricity so tomorrow they will bring in a generator. For now they were gracious enough to bring me later a gas lamp because I will make my messages tonight. This is a new experience for me. Since last night I’ve been seeking and nearing the presence of God and He has graciously revealed Himself to me. This latest experience has helped me close everything and focus on Him. I managed to borrow an acoustic guitar here, so I and Ate Merla sang praise songs until the day lights were gone. The retreat delegates are coming tomorrow morning. They are around twenty I think. Later tonight we will still finalize the program. Everything is calm and serene and peaceful. This is great. My ears are open to You, Lord. Please speak to me and through.

I'm leaving today for Davao at 10AM. I'm really worried and praying that I don't mess up in this event. My trust is in the name of the Lord. Today I preached at church, it was too long therefore it felt less effective. First service heard comments how the preaching was long (I extended 10 minutes). Somehow I can't fit everything I wanted to say in 45 minutes. Felt a little tired. Last night we went to CCP, had long walk. I also lifted weights last Friday. So until Sunday morning my body ached. We lunched at SM San Lazaro. Went back to church 'cause parents are gonna attend a wedding in a church nearby. We're supposed to go home but time was too tight. So I slept my tired body in church. I was awaken by my mom at 4PM, and they had to go straight to the wedding reception. So we had to stay at church until 9PM. I took my rest. I've been disappointing some people lately. My parents were saying that I leave home too much. And I spend more time in ministry than family. This was when they realized I plan to go to Banaue when I return from Davao. We ended up in bad terms because I expressed my irritation, now I feel bad. It's enough to say it the first time and I get it. When you hear it like a broken record, I gets to you. And I feel that for the past year I have been spending a lot of time at home to a point of idleness if not for my work (with few trips here and there). They assumed that my Banaue trip is another ministry trip and that I would just be tiring myself, but it was a personal trip on my part, which I do regularly to spend sometime alone in quietness. But whoever's right or wrong, I still feel bad right now. And tomorrow they will take me to the airport. Talk about total guilt feeling. My boss has also been frustrated about my work. I feel I am no longer effective in the company. So I just sent him an e-mail submitting my resignation. What's up next, Lord?

Been busy working on my sermon for this Sunday. Also working on my messages for the Davao retreat next week. My mind is very hectic right now, ouch. Lord, may Your suffecient grace produce in me the excellence that is worthy for Your work. I'm missing Jo, she would be on her way to Bangkok now. I'm excited to go to Davao. Little nervous how I will deliver the goods to the best of my ability. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Then it's a good rest when I go up to Banawe for the fourth time. Got the whole day tomorrow to work on my messages. Life is GOOD!

Isaiah 41:9-14

⁹ I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

¹¹ "All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.

¹² Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.

¹³ For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

¹⁴ Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you," declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

The Subsonic Band (Standing, L-R) Arvin (rhythm), Vida (vox), Duke (bass); (Sitting, L-R) Raymond (vox), Criz (drums), me (keyboard); Edmund (lead guitar) - overtime sa work... kaya di nagpakita. I had reunion with my band way back in highschool/college days tonight at UCC Tomas Morato. Reminiscing the good old days.

Dreams closing in. His mind aches endlessly thinking of her; His heart breaks knowing she is beyond his reach Waiting. Dreams closing in, Penetrating his weary soul Soon he falls into slumber, Hoping another Day grants him fair love.

Purchased this book this afternoon. Have read a handful of pages, was interesting so I got it. Talks about Filipino cultures and values. Witty and unapologetically correct.

Our DSL has just been restored. Praise the Lord! :D Yesterday I went to Makati to deliver some goods to client. On the way to Glorietta, my car was stopped by a Makati police. My car is coded yesterday. But I thought I can take it out from 10AM-3PM as in Manila rules. But I just learned that it's different in Makati. I thought how come I wasn't caught one time when I took it on a Tuesday to school? Anyway to add insult to the injury, the officer found out that my license has already expired just day before. Arrgh.. this is not a good day I thought. I was so tempted to give him a bribe because he was making subtle hints for me saying, "Ano isusulat ko na ito (sa ticket)?" Partly it disgusts me that we have such kind of police. But thank God he spared me of guilt and misery if I bribed. So there goes the license. Will pick it up in 5 days in Makati City Hall. Parked the car. Went to CDR-King to buy CD's and cases. Client needs 20 copies of the multimedia CD I made. So I made Starbucks my temporary office to work on the CD's. After finishing I met Erene and Jo to watch Corpse Bride. I liked the movie. Dark. So rooting for Corpse Bride. After movie delivered the stuff to client in Walter Mart and had dinner. Took Jo back to school where her car is parked. Went home very tired but managed to still chat on dial-up. I slept while chatting. Sorry... Gonna miss you Jo. She's going to Hongkong & Thailand and Bataan for two weeks. I'll see her probably in 2nd sem. I just learned that I'm going to Samal Island, the island garden or garden island, in Davao for Chi Alpha retreat. So pumped.

Feeling bossa-senti tonight... Girl from Ipanema Antonio Carlos Jobim + Tall and tan and young and lovely | The girl from Ipanema goes walking | And when she passes | each one she passes goes, "Ah!" + When she walks she's like a samba that | Swings so cool and sways so gentle | That when she passes | each one she passes goes, "Ah!" + Oh, but I watch her so sadly | How can I tell her I love her? | Yes, I would give my heart gladly | But each day when she walks to the sea | She looks straight ahead not at me + Tall and tan and young and lovely | The girl from Ipanema goes walking | And when she passes | I smile, but she doesn't see | She just doesn't see | No she doesn't see Love Is The Saddest Thing Ella Fitzgerald + Once, once I loved | And I gave so much love to this love | You were the world to me | Once I cried | At the thought I was foolish and proud and let you say goodbye + And then one day | From my infinite sadness you came and brought me love again | Now I know | That no matter whatever befalls I'll never let you go | I will hold you close, make you stay | Because love is the saddest thing when it goes away | Love is the saddest thing when it goes away

Been offline lately because DSL is down. Arrggh. Using an internet card dial-up. Life is simple today :) Came home at 11PM. Boys went to Starbucks Binondo after visiting a youth's mother. Had cellgroup in the afternoon, everyone seem to have burdens in their heart. Thank God even if I don't have psychiatric abilities I could lift them up in prayer. Life is good. Thursday. Christmas is early at church. I already put up the Christmas tree. I like assembling the Christmas tree, gives me the holiday spirit. Beside is a huge box where the church puts in food donations to give away on Christmas. Thursday. In the evening after drum lesson was our leadership meeting. We had a break from meeting. It was the celebration of the birthday of our pastor's wife. We had shabu-shabu/hotpot. Friday. Traffic at Quirino Ave. I came in very late at Student Fellowship, an hour before 5PM. So dead. But it was a conincidence that Lorenzo Academy was having novena because of the Binondo fiesta. And students are required to attend novena. So there were less than 10 students who came. We managed to handle them all. Wednesday. Splurging on food with Jo & Love. Made aimless wanderings in Makati after. It's good that I returned to schoo from client meeting to see Jo practice with her band. It was the last day I would see her before next semester.

Here at school, my sembreak has officially begun. I just submitted my paper to my professors. This morning woke up 12NN because I slept 4AM to finish the paper. I missed a client meeting. Will go to meet client in an hour. I still do not know how I will spend my hard earned semestral break. It's more than a month. First three weeks are still free. I'm preaching on the third Sunday. Davao in the fourth week and Banawe after... I heard there is a 9 day holiday week of Oct-Nov. That would be great. I really want to return to Banawe and try new things. Now I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Just letting time pass before I leave for the meeting. School is a bitter-sweet environment. These are the idle times when you are not doing anything that you begin to think, "Where is my life headed?" "What's in store for me, God?"

Hosea readings

Thanks for the encouragement of those who read my previous blog. Forgive me for being open. Just thinking aloud... I am becoming impulsive that somtimes a little change in the routine causes me to panic. All is good.

Today had Carecell at 4:30. I was worried I'd come late because of the traffic in north harbor. But somehow I manage to come 15 minutes early. And to my surprise nobody's in except Justine. I felt really bad. Where had all the youth gone? (After 15 minutes or more... they started to come in though. But usually they are already in when I come.) Then I began to question my way of leadership, again. Since the Book of Hope event, I hadn't been able to keep up with the rise of youth population and responsibilities. I haven't been able to monitor the staff regularly because of our different schedules. The ministry is like a very crazy disorganized cluttered room. And I'm used to order, schedules and planning. I have this Superman attitude to save the world, but I can't seem to rally people to 'do what I do,' or do I? Perhaps I just wanted someone to feel my burden. I wanted a twin. Ramblings in my mind... I'm thinking if my leadership is still working. Somehow think I tend to repel some people away from me. I read something from John Maxwell, about Charisma, one of the 17 leadership qualities. A leader without charisma after talking to a person, makes the person think how good that leader is. A leader with charisma after talking to a person, makes the person feel good about themselves. I think I'm the first one. I lack the 'charisma'. I heard in another preaching and take it as a true statement, that me as a leader should encourage a person to wanna strive to become who God wants him to be, not to lay out all the 'truth' that one would feel he would not measure up to become what God wants him to be. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. But if this is true with me, I would change my style, but I feel I won't be true to myself. I don't even know how to change it in the first place. You'd never know how much I would like to become beneficial for everyone. But I figured you cannot please everybody. And what's with everyone not texting me directly if they can't make it to an activity. I guess they are just tired of seeing me get frustrated. I think they think they couldn't measure up. I want mavericks not people who would just say yes to me just because they don't wanna get me disappointed. Just random thoughts... Lord, please give me extra grace for the times I fail you, even now... You know me. You know my weaknesses and my potential to become the best I can be. Melt me so You can mold me to become someone You want me to become. I want to be what You want me to be. I know this is the road You want me to take. Lord, I need Your peace and presence.

My notebook is showing signs that I need to format it soon. Last night I left the notebook to defragment by itself, and when I wake up I find it just 20% defragmented. I wanted to go to CD-R King in Glorietta from school this afternoon, but it closes early around 5:30PM that I couldn't make it. I'm itching to have it formatted. Even the iPod had not been playing this morning and last night because of a corrupt file according to windows. But I managed to fix it. Thank God. +++ Today I had to wake up at 7:30AM to the repeated wakings of my mom. Hard to get up because someone kept me awake till 2AM :) Came at school at 10AM to work on my last paper for this semester in the library. Traffic is still bad, what's with these days? Chapelled at 11. Didn't realize yesterday was Teachers Day, so we honored the admin, staff and professors with prayer today. I was only able to greet Dr. Ayuk a "Happy Teachers Day." Had lunch with Emmanuel, Van and Ate Marilyn. Returned to library to really finish the paper, as I waited for Jo. They won the NT Drama Contest so they got the cash prized which they spent in Yellow Cab. So I had to wait a little more. But it's all good, 'cause I was able to finish the main content of my paper. We had to kill some time because she had to leave past the coding hours.

Corcovado by Antionio Carlos Jobim (King of Bossanova) Um cantinho Um violão Este amor Uma canção Pra fazer feliz A quem se ama. Muita calma pra pensar E ter tempo pra sonhar Da janela vê-se o Corcovado O redentor Que lindo! Quero a vida sempre assim Com você perto de mim Até o apagar A velha chama. E eu que era triste Descrente deste mundo Ao encontrar você Eu conheci o que é felicidade Meu amor Quiet nights of quiet stars Quiet chords from my guitar Floating on the silence that surrounds us Quiet thoughts and quiet dreams Quiet walks by quiet streams And a window that looks out on Corcovado Oh how lovely! This is where I want to be Here with you so close to me Until the final flicker of life's ember I, who was lost and lonely Believing life was only A bitter tragic joke have found with you the meaning of existence Oh my love

Today, traffic was so bad it was an hour and a half drive to Makati, plus it rained. I met a client San Lorenzo Village. And in their office I met a designer acquaintance who I referred in their company, he's doing great. He's also teaching Multemedia Arts in Benilde. He told me they are looking for more teachers and offered to refer me. I obliged. This may be the break I need from my current company. I really want to quit. Hope it works out. Could this be one of his tricks for me to settle on the good but not the best? My heart is longing to go to full time service but circumstances do not permit. Today I learned from the office newspaper that the Philippines won the title for Miss International 2005 in Tokyo. Nice. One hour after I would be teaching drums at church. Traffic was still bad. Arrived in Binondo 30 minutes late. Taught drums. Had dinner with one of my students, Daryl. Fetched mom in supermarket. So we went home together. Dad is still in the funeral of his childhood friend. Amazing race back on TV.

Today I preached at church. First sermon was quite pressured, just like first sermons every Sunday because it's the 'premiere' of your sermon, you get nervous. Second was smooth sailing. Praise God. I brought the tie but I failed to wear it, because I felt conscious about wearing it.. so pastor-like. It might also distract me from the message. In the afternoon we had Worship Class. I was pretty exhausted. After the class, my family went to SM San Lazaro, parents went shopping at the supermarket. They go there every Sunday afternoon. And because of that, I was not able to control "panic buying". Lawrence, Brznf and I ate pizza at Chef D'Angelo and I bought to CDs from Praise. I thought of buying clothes before that, but I thought it was not really necessary. Tomorrow, it's back to work. My boss is already looking for me. I'm dead.

I hate it when people post comments on my blog just to promote their products. Classless! (Check comment from the post before this)

Woke up 7AM today. Despite sleeping quite late chatting with new "found" friend. I had to finish my sermon and I did. I thought it was quite long that it might not fit in a 45 minute schedule. Anyway, I still have to finalize it. I missed the ball game of Lorenzo Ruiz Academy, I thought it was on one of the court locations, but they changed courts pala. And it was raining, traffic was bad, I hurried to church for cellgroup. Took my discipleship group to Philippine Christian Bookstore. Ate at McDonalds. Then went home. I learned that my youth's team lost. Bummer. I am sad that things at youth ministry aren't going so good as before. But I guess it's just a season. Lord, help me. But life is good, sooo good :D Can't wait for the next week. I'm preaching tomorrow. I wonder if I would wear the tie the See sisters gave me on my birthday... hmm.

He Reigns!

He Reigns Newsboys + It's the song of the redeemed rising from the African plain | It's the song of the forgiven drowning out the Amazon rain | The song of Asian believers filled with God's holy fire | It's every tribe, every tounge, every nation | A love song born of a grateful choir + All God's children singin' "Glory, glory, hallelujah! He reigns, He reigns!" + Let it rise above the four winds caught up in the heavenly sound | Let praises echo from the towers of cathedrals to the faithful gathered underground | Of all the songs sung from the dawn of creation, some were meant to persist | Of all the bells rung from a thousand steeples, none rings truer than this + All God's children singin' "Glory, glory, hallelujah! He reigns, He reigns!" + And all the powers of darkness tremble at what they've just heard | 'Cause all the powers of darkness can't drown out a single word + All God's children singin' "Glory, glory, hallelujah! He reigns, He reigns!"

Life Stewardship Lessons

My Life Stewardship Lessons:

• Don't live beyond your means
• Never fall into debt
• Don't spend money you do not have
• Learn to be content
• Lend assuming you already gave it away
• Reward yourself for a job well done
• Be generous and invest in people

Redeemer, Saviour, Friend

Redeemer, Saviour, Friend Darrel Evans + I know You had me on your mind | When You climbed up on that hill | For You saw me with eternal eyes | While I was yet in sin | Redeemer Savior Friend + Every stripe upon Your battered back | Every thorn that pierced Your brow | Every nail drove deep through guiltless hands | Said that Your love knows no end | Redeemer Savior Friend + Redeemer, redeem my heart again | Savior, shelter me from sin | You’re familiar with my weaknesses | Devoted to the end | Redeemer Savior Friend + So the grace you poured out on my life | Will return to You in praise | I’ll gladly lay down all my crowns | For the name of which I’m saved | Redeemer Savior Friend

Father, Let Me Dedicate

Father, Let Me Dedicate Lawrence Tuttiett, 1825-1897 Rearranged by Michael W. Smith + Father, let me dedicate all this life to Thee | In whatever worldly state Thou wilt have me be | Not from sorrow, pain or care, freedom dare I claim | This alone shall be my prayer: "Glorify Thy name" + Can a child presume to choose where or how to live? | Can a father's love refuse all the best to give? | Let my glad heart while it sings Thee in all proclaim | And whate'er the future brings, glorify Thy name + Be glorified in me, be glorified! --- "... But whatever things were gain to me, those things I have counted as loss for the sake of Christ. More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death; in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead." Paul the Apostle His letter to the Philippians (3:7-11)

Today. I came home from our school retreat. This was the first time I joined the retreat. I was too shy to come last semester. Two days in San Mateo, Rizal. Before this I hesitate to come because I really don't have a group that I can fit into. Though I knew some people, it wouldn't be enough to meet my neediness for attention. So I signed up in a room with the international students. Our room was little Asia.. 3 Burmese, 1 Chinese, 1 Cambodian, 1 Thai and 2 Filipino guys in one room. The worship sessions are great. They had an acoustic worship going on. Dr. T and Dr. Q, our academic dean and president delivered the word on prophecy. The sessions were held on a second-floor conference hall made of wood. When the students jammed during worship time, the floor would literally shake, I thought it was scary, though I did some jumping myself. I came to the retreat with questions and burdens I want to give to Him, hoping that He would receive it. And He did. Praise God! He's mercies are new every morning. Though a few questions I am still waiting for an answer. "Lord, should I quit my job?" Lord, when will I meet my partner?"... I tried my best to offer myself to Him, but several thoughts bug my mind. In the end, I forced myself to yield myself to Him. It was hard but necessary. It's breaking a hard rock. I hardly feel anything. I had to rely on His Word. His Word leading an emotionally blind man, I had to listen attentively. I was hoping that someone would share His Word for me. But I received none. I struggled to find an explanation for all of this... Maybe His disciplining me, because I'm not a baby anymore. I'm a grown up man. Students. I met some good people. Nevertheless, I still feel alienated. Somehow, I thought everyone belongs to some group. Good thing Rey and Emmanuel was there. I also loved this Chinese guy named Clark, since we had something in common, me being a hilaw na Chinese, there was an instant connection. I would try hard to speak Mandarin, and he would talk to me, most of the time I wouldn't understand, so then we speak in English. It was great. It's hard to move around when you don't know the people you are with. "Know" meaning "know" enough to be comfortable with. To me, most of them are just people with names. Somehow I have this feeling that they also wanted to communicate with me. Why do I always put up this wall? In fairness, I joined the Scrabble Tournament. I look so nerdy. Of all the sports tournaments offered by the retreat, I chose to join the Scrabble Tournament because I don't know the sports. I also had some good conversations with some people, about life and music. No classes the rest of the week. It's good. I can rest and do my work. Open the eyes of my heart, Lord. I want to see you. Knees to the Earth Christy Nockels Wonderful Savior, my heart belongs to Thee I will remember always the blood You shed for me Wonderful Savior, my heart will know Your Word So let me embrace You always as I walk this earth Be blessed, be loved, be lifted high Be treasured here, be glorified I owe my life to You, my Lord Here I am Beautiful Jesus, how may I bless Your heart? Knees to the earth, I bow down to everything You are Beautiful Jesus, You are my only Word So I will embrace You always as I walk this earth

It's 1 day after my birthday. It was Sunday. Same day as before. Had a little headache because the boys went to Starbucks Intramuros until 10PM. So I woke up pretty grumpy, and prepared for church. I'm song leading today and I thought, I would personally dedicate my worship as thanksgiving to God (isn't that ironic?). Mornings are not really my kind of time. So I lead worship. I quoted Psalm 103:1-5 and started with God is the Strength of My Heart in worship, and brokedown in holding tears at the first song. It was pretty embarassing. Moreover when I began singing the upbeat songs, I'm still teary eyed. Now I think of it I smile. But that time, I am so thankful of the abounding grace that God has showered upon my life. Truly His mercies are new every morning.

Still awake. Though I would stay awake later than th. Actually I just had 4 hours of sleep last night I think. I've been delayed in my work schedule right now. Because of too much procrastinating. I don't want to sleep because I have to work. But now I'm not working. I lack organization with my work right now. It seems I don't want to fix my act because I dread looking at my work piles straight in the eye. There are few more things I dread to look straight in the eye, like my self. I just stayed at home today. After last week my class in Research became consultation time on our preferred schedules. Even tomorrow in Hermeneutics our time will be spent in the library just doing our research work. Sembreak is nearing. Retreat is nearing. Someone left an anonymous critical post for me in the youth blog. May God deal with her. I have this invitation from my friend to go scuba diving in Batangas. He's proposing to his girlfriend on Friday... underwater. I wanted to go but I hesistate to leave my ministry. I haven't made a move to settle it. 'Cause today, in almost everything, I am becoming more undecided. Life today is pointless. I don't have anything to say. It seems my world is slowly getting smaller and smaller. I need fresh air. I long for something I lost. My routine has become different just a month ago. What's happening to me? I am so alone right now. Now when I look at it, I have nobody to live my life with. I am invisible. It's perplexing to think that just six months ago I was in high spirit, and now I am back in the dumpster. I do not understand my self, therefore I am growing to hate my self. I need to see God.

Daily Miracles

MEDAN, Indonesia - Seconds after takeoff, an Indonesian airliner shook violently, veered to the left and slammed into a bustling neighborhood Monday, bursting into flames and killing at least 147 people - many on the ground. Up to 16 passengers survived the crash, including an 18-month-old shielded by his mother's arms.

This evening someone left a newspaper on top of reading table at the terrace so the cat pooped on the table with my book! Arrggh... Our cats are trained to poop on newspaper.

Devotion Nuggets

"He who walks in integrity walks securely. But he who perverts his ways will be found out." - Proverbs 10:9 "When pride comes, then comes dishonor. But with the humble is wisdom." - Proverbs 11:2 "Even our tears of repentance need to be washed in the blood of the Lamb." - quoted by Jerry Bridges in The Pursuit of Holiness "What a strange kind of salvation do they desire that care not for holiness... They would be saved by Christ and yet be out of Christ in a fleshly state... They would have their sins forgiven, not that they may practice their enmity against Him without any fear of punishment." - quoted by Jerry Bridges in The Pursuit of Holiness

Letters written to God sit in a sorting room in an Israeli post office in Jerusalem October 2, 2003. Hundreds of letters written to God arrive in Israel each year, most around Jewish holidays, to be read and taken to the Western Wall in Jerusalem. 02 Oct 2003 REUTERS/Gil Cohen Magen More remarkable images at Reuters.

Less than two weeks till my birthday. I haven't put much thought on how I will celebrate my birthday. I can smell my birthday coming. So busy I feel i haven't sat myself down to prepare/face this coming event. But life is good.

3AM. My back sags with weariness. I can feel it in my body. Just finished doing some projects. Lots more to do tomorrow. Today I was caught into a mental panic when I focused on my 3-month schedule in school/work/ministry. I'm having adrenaline rush in my brain right now. Looking at my carefully drafted schedule in the notebook even looks tiring already. Too much responsibilities. I thought to myself, 'What have I got myself into...' To add to that restlessness, I got this idea in my mind of going to Singapore. Earlier this evening, someone at church shared the cheap airfare of Tiger Airways. Though I had already an idea of it, I never thought of going to the Planet Shakers Conference in Kuala Lumpur via Singapore until now. So, at a rough estimate, expenses would cost plus-minus P5000.00 only. If that idea would push through, it would be quite an adventure! I want to sleep now but I got to wait for this 4MB e-mail to complete its upload.

Tuesday. I'm recuperating. I'm doing pretty good. I diverted myself to doing work so I will not think about it. I already did my OT reading assignment at home, so I can come in later. I have a few more things to do. I woke up today looking at my massive dark circles in my eyes because of sleeping so late. My mom gave me Stresstabs to take. I want to get away for a while. I'm wish I could return to the Cordillera during sembreak. School retreat is coming in two weeks.

"You know what 'fine' stands for, don't you?... Freaked out... Insecure... Neurotic... And Emotional..."

John Bridger, The Italian Job

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Galatians 6:9

Does your name begin with: P

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of Doing anything that might harm your image or Reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those vibes. You are relatively free of hang- ups.You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things.You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Today I had a discouraging encounter in the library. I was dismissed an hour earlier today before chapel, so I spent some time in the library to do my freelance work. After some time, the librarian alerted us that it was ten minutes to chapel time. And then, five minutes to chapel time... So there I was on the far side of the cubicles wrapping up my work. As the students thin out the library, this guy staff started alerting that it's chapel time. At this time I had no idea that it was me he was hinting. I was already standing ready to leave, but my laptop closes slow so I had to wait a few minutes. Then this guy, apparently offended by what looked like my insensitivity to his charge drew to the light switch on the side of the library where I was and turned it off with a remark on the side saying like 'what a tough nut!' At this moment I realize he was pissed at me. Then finally my computer shuts down, quickly put it in the backpack and walk fast to the door. Then the second blow came off, he said like I was some maarte, that needs to be called special names to respond. I thought, what is it with this guy? What did I do? It's enough that I got problems of my own right now, and this guy starts violating my personal emotional space. Now it makes me paranoid. I want to cook up answers. Maybe this guy like all computer guys are cholerics or melancholics. Maybe it was a bad day for him. I remember before walking from 7-11 to school, and we were to meet along the way, he avoided me, walking away from the sidewalk. I always hate walking there, because I always meet students from school, whom I need to decide if I'm going to say hi or what. But it seems that they do not look at me often now, and try to meet me in the eye. Maybe they concluded that I'm suplado. But anyway, that incident ruined my day in my lowest of weeks. Instead of going back to school after lunch to spend some time in the library, I decided to head home after having lunch with Emmanuel, my Indian friend. I told him the incident which he answered in the most Christian way: Forgive, even someone deliberately steps on your foot. The school isn't all that nice after all. This was one of the bunch of people that contribute to grow my paranoia and question my being. I am so down today. Yet time waits for no one. I have tons of things to do.

Lots of things going on lately... Today I drove to class on Research. Spent time in the library for research paper, and stayed a couple of minutes at the prayer room to deal some issues with God. Then I had an advisor check-up with my advisor Ma'am Marcia Anderson. Ma'am Marcia is a nice old lady, currently my professor in Old Testament 1. I love her Bible storytelling during class. I am learning a lot. I am so looking forward to talking with my adviser because I want someone to share my feelings and experiences at ASCM. In my second semester at ASCM, I still feel out-of-place. Professors are kind and great, but I need some company. My classmates in the masteral are either older or too foreign to relate with. I want to be part of the 'in' crowd, the younger people of the bachelors. It's liberating able to talk with Ma'am Marcia about my love life and my struggles in life. I'm looking forward to go the our semestral retreat this September 18-20. I have a deep need... Chapel time at school has been very difficult lately. Because He has been calling my attention, as in. Dreading and at the same time looking forward to go to chapel tomorrow. I've been wanting to fast lately for a need. But so far, I haven't made a move. I've noticed also that I'm always craving for food. I'm not getting fat, yet the pleasure of eating and eating is getting out of hand. I think I have lots of things in mind, a problem. It will be a hard battle to fast. Looking for a right time. I am planning to leave my job. There has been problems in the company. I am also getting unmotivated also. It's not fun work anymore. Everyday I drag myself to do the piling loads in my e-mail. I thought of joining Book of Hope team, because I think it's fun and cause-ful. I'm afraid of the change that will follow, especially on support. But in general, I am in auto-pilot to trust God and pray that His will for me be done. Today, at two different times, I saw the girl again, with a guy following her. It didn't broke my heart. I am getting weary and dry.