Nothing much to do today. Woke up pretty early. Had devotion in the morning. I wanted to go to SM North today to check out an earphone for my iPod but I slept and woke up exhausted because it was so hot. I suffered again those waking times when I couldn't move my body or utter a word, just manage to groan in mild panic because I couldn't get up. Spend time with family and bonding time with my cats 'cause I've been gone almost a week last week. Somehow the cats fail to recognize me for a few hours after a long time away from them. Yesterday, we held a youth concert for our church org's youth org. Thank God 'cause it went well for me for a first time as a large event coordinator despite several hindrances. We had three bands and three sets of praise and worship sets for the whole afternoon. I played keyboards for the last set. The sanctuary of Caloocan Bethel was full of young people excited to jump and sing before the Lord.

Why have You chosen me? Out of millions Your child to be You know all the wrongs I have done Oh how could You pardon me? Forgive my iniquities To save me give Jesus, Your Son O Lord, let me be what You want me to be Your Word I will strive to obey My life I will give, for You I will live And walk by Your side all the way

Photos>> Got back from Davao today at 2PM. It was rainy. I planned to go home.. or go to the mall since my family's going to church in the evening. I rode the taxi undecided where to go. Then I noticed the taxi fare from airport to Malate is P100 already, I thought how much more when I got home? So I asked the driver to take me to Binondo. It was tiring. Carrying a backpack, a sports bag and a box of durian. The South-Eastern Mindanao Chi-Alpha retreat held in Samal, Davao was great. I spoke for two nights and a day with Ate Merla from Iloilo. Praise God for His goodness and grace that He allowed me to communicate what He wanted me to communicate. I spoke about Faith Foundation, Identity in Christ and The Joshua Challenge. On the last evening, young people from the local AG there joined us and we numbered around 30. Throughout the retreat I got to know student leaders from SEM Chi Alpha. It's great to listen to what God is doing through XA in the campuses. Truly the Holy Spirit is moving even in this island. Ate Afel (pastor & xa coordinator for SEM) was truly a blessing and inspiration, a woman of humility. Thursday afternoon after retreat, Samal AG pastor Dario took us to Ligid Island for swimming and snorkeling. The reef is magnificent there. Even few meters from where we were staying the reef is full and beautiful. Too bad I didn't bring my gears. Early Friday morning we packed our bags and headed back to the city. Ate Merla was first to leave for Iloilo. So Kuya Arth kept me company. He introduced me to durian and checked out some pasalubong. For some time I forgot that I resigned in our company. Then I remembered it morning of the last day of retreat. I know the possible results of this move, and I cannot lie that I had worries and fears, the what if's. Woke up early around 5.30AM. God painted a beautiful picture in the sky. I felt His reassuring presence that everything is gonna be alright. I silently wept in unspoken love for Him. He took me to Psalm 91. It was a comfort for my soul.

¹ He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

² I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

³ Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.

⁴ He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

⁵ You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day,

⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.

⁷ A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.

⁸ You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge-

¹⁰ then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.

¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;

¹² they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

¹³ You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

¹⁵ He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.

¹⁶ With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

At this moment I’m lying alone in an open bamboo cottage just beside the shores of Samal Island. It’s total darkness. Only the night lights illuminate the sky. Barges lit across the sea with rolling Davao mountains in the background. I can hear the sound of calm waves clashing through the shore. The place we settled in is an uncut diamond. A private resort off the island’s more popular resorts, we managed to arrive at 3PM. The sand is white and lined with trees. It reminds me of Bataraza in Palawan. I left Manila Domestic Airport at 10AM. I felt a little dizzy while on flight. Arrived at Davao International Airport 12NN. Ate Merla and Ate Afel were already waiting for me outside. We dropped by Gaisano Mall to have lunch. I remembered to text Kuya Arthur (or Bay Arths), my Dabaweno classmate in AIYS 2004. He helped us roam around the mall as we purchased last minute necessities. I forgot to bring my toothbrush. We and Kuya Arth separated ways after that. We took a taxi to the bus station crossing the strait going to the island of Samal. Truly time is slow in the rural. In the island the main means of transportation is not the tricycle but the motorcycle. We dropped by the house of Pastor Dario, an AG pastor (mind you) in Babak district in Samal. He was gracious enough to drive us to the resort. We still had to drop by his church to pick up a karaoke and a guitar, the wet market to buy food for tonight. The place I’m staying in has no electricity so tomorrow they will bring in a generator. For now they were gracious enough to bring me later a gas lamp because I will make my messages tonight. This is a new experience for me. Since last night I’ve been seeking and nearing the presence of God and He has graciously revealed Himself to me. This latest experience has helped me close everything and focus on Him. I managed to borrow an acoustic guitar here, so I and Ate Merla sang praise songs until the day lights were gone. The retreat delegates are coming tomorrow morning. They are around twenty I think. Later tonight we will still finalize the program. Everything is calm and serene and peaceful. This is great. My ears are open to You, Lord. Please speak to me and through.

I'm leaving today for Davao at 10AM. I'm really worried and praying that I don't mess up in this event. My trust is in the name of the Lord. Today I preached at church, it was too long therefore it felt less effective. First service heard comments how the preaching was long (I extended 10 minutes). Somehow I can't fit everything I wanted to say in 45 minutes. Felt a little tired. Last night we went to CCP, had long walk. I also lifted weights last Friday. So until Sunday morning my body ached. We lunched at SM San Lazaro. Went back to church 'cause parents are gonna attend a wedding in a church nearby. We're supposed to go home but time was too tight. So I slept my tired body in church. I was awaken by my mom at 4PM, and they had to go straight to the wedding reception. So we had to stay at church until 9PM. I took my rest. I've been disappointing some people lately. My parents were saying that I leave home too much. And I spend more time in ministry than family. This was when they realized I plan to go to Banaue when I return from Davao. We ended up in bad terms because I expressed my irritation, now I feel bad. It's enough to say it the first time and I get it. When you hear it like a broken record, I gets to you. And I feel that for the past year I have been spending a lot of time at home to a point of idleness if not for my work (with few trips here and there). They assumed that my Banaue trip is another ministry trip and that I would just be tiring myself, but it was a personal trip on my part, which I do regularly to spend sometime alone in quietness. But whoever's right or wrong, I still feel bad right now. And tomorrow they will take me to the airport. Talk about total guilt feeling. My boss has also been frustrated about my work. I feel I am no longer effective in the company. So I just sent him an e-mail submitting my resignation. What's up next, Lord?

Been busy working on my sermon for this Sunday. Also working on my messages for the Davao retreat next week. My mind is very hectic right now, ouch. Lord, may Your suffecient grace produce in me the excellence that is worthy for Your work. I'm missing Jo, she would be on her way to Bangkok now. I'm excited to go to Davao. Little nervous how I will deliver the goods to the best of my ability. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Then it's a good rest when I go up to Banawe for the fourth time. Got the whole day tomorrow to work on my messages. Life is GOOD!

Isaiah 41:9-14

⁹ I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you.

¹⁰ So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

¹¹ "All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish.

¹² Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all.

¹³ For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.

¹⁴ Do not be afraid, O worm Jacob, O little Israel, for I myself will help you," declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

The Subsonic Band (Standing, L-R) Arvin (rhythm), Vida (vox), Duke (bass); (Sitting, L-R) Raymond (vox), Criz (drums), me (keyboard); Edmund (lead guitar) - overtime sa work... kaya di nagpakita. I had reunion with my band way back in highschool/college days tonight at UCC Tomas Morato. Reminiscing the good old days.

Dreams closing in. His mind aches endlessly thinking of her; His heart breaks knowing she is beyond his reach Waiting. Dreams closing in, Penetrating his weary soul Soon he falls into slumber, Hoping another Day grants him fair love.

Purchased this book this afternoon. Have read a handful of pages, was interesting so I got it. Talks about Filipino cultures and values. Witty and unapologetically correct.

Our DSL has just been restored. Praise the Lord! :D Yesterday I went to Makati to deliver some goods to client. On the way to Glorietta, my car was stopped by a Makati police. My car is coded yesterday. But I thought I can take it out from 10AM-3PM as in Manila rules. But I just learned that it's different in Makati. I thought how come I wasn't caught one time when I took it on a Tuesday to school? Anyway to add insult to the injury, the officer found out that my license has already expired just day before. Arrgh.. this is not a good day I thought. I was so tempted to give him a bribe because he was making subtle hints for me saying, "Ano isusulat ko na ito (sa ticket)?" Partly it disgusts me that we have such kind of police. But thank God he spared me of guilt and misery if I bribed. So there goes the license. Will pick it up in 5 days in Makati City Hall. Parked the car. Went to CDR-King to buy CD's and cases. Client needs 20 copies of the multimedia CD I made. So I made Starbucks my temporary office to work on the CD's. After finishing I met Erene and Jo to watch Corpse Bride. I liked the movie. Dark. So rooting for Corpse Bride. After movie delivered the stuff to client in Walter Mart and had dinner. Took Jo back to school where her car is parked. Went home very tired but managed to still chat on dial-up. I slept while chatting. Sorry... Gonna miss you Jo. She's going to Hongkong & Thailand and Bataan for two weeks. I'll see her probably in 2nd sem. I just learned that I'm going to Samal Island, the island garden or garden island, in Davao for Chi Alpha retreat. So pumped.

Feeling bossa-senti tonight... Girl from Ipanema Antonio Carlos Jobim + Tall and tan and young and lovely | The girl from Ipanema goes walking | And when she passes | each one she passes goes, "Ah!" + When she walks she's like a samba that | Swings so cool and sways so gentle | That when she passes | each one she passes goes, "Ah!" + Oh, but I watch her so sadly | How can I tell her I love her? | Yes, I would give my heart gladly | But each day when she walks to the sea | She looks straight ahead not at me + Tall and tan and young and lovely | The girl from Ipanema goes walking | And when she passes | I smile, but she doesn't see | She just doesn't see | No she doesn't see Love Is The Saddest Thing Ella Fitzgerald + Once, once I loved | And I gave so much love to this love | You were the world to me | Once I cried | At the thought I was foolish and proud and let you say goodbye + And then one day | From my infinite sadness you came and brought me love again | Now I know | That no matter whatever befalls I'll never let you go | I will hold you close, make you stay | Because love is the saddest thing when it goes away | Love is the saddest thing when it goes away

Been offline lately because DSL is down. Arrggh. Using an internet card dial-up. Life is simple today :) Came home at 11PM. Boys went to Starbucks Binondo after visiting a youth's mother. Had cellgroup in the afternoon, everyone seem to have burdens in their heart. Thank God even if I don't have psychiatric abilities I could lift them up in prayer. Life is good. Thursday. Christmas is early at church. I already put up the Christmas tree. I like assembling the Christmas tree, gives me the holiday spirit. Beside is a huge box where the church puts in food donations to give away on Christmas. Thursday. In the evening after drum lesson was our leadership meeting. We had a break from meeting. It was the celebration of the birthday of our pastor's wife. We had shabu-shabu/hotpot. Friday. Traffic at Quirino Ave. I came in very late at Student Fellowship, an hour before 5PM. So dead. But it was a conincidence that Lorenzo Academy was having novena because of the Binondo fiesta. And students are required to attend novena. So there were less than 10 students who came. We managed to handle them all. Wednesday. Splurging on food with Jo & Love. Made aimless wanderings in Makati after. It's good that I returned to schoo from client meeting to see Jo practice with her band. It was the last day I would see her before next semester.

Here at school, my sembreak has officially begun. I just submitted my paper to my professors. This morning woke up 12NN because I slept 4AM to finish the paper. I missed a client meeting. Will go to meet client in an hour. I still do not know how I will spend my hard earned semestral break. It's more than a month. First three weeks are still free. I'm preaching on the third Sunday. Davao in the fourth week and Banawe after... I heard there is a 9 day holiday week of Oct-Nov. That would be great. I really want to return to Banawe and try new things. Now I'm bored. There's nothing to do. Just letting time pass before I leave for the meeting. School is a bitter-sweet environment. These are the idle times when you are not doing anything that you begin to think, "Where is my life headed?" "What's in store for me, God?"

Hosea readings

Thanks for the encouragement of those who read my previous blog. Forgive me for being open. Just thinking aloud... I am becoming impulsive that somtimes a little change in the routine causes me to panic. All is good.

Today had Carecell at 4:30. I was worried I'd come late because of the traffic in north harbor. But somehow I manage to come 15 minutes early. And to my surprise nobody's in except Justine. I felt really bad. Where had all the youth gone? (After 15 minutes or more... they started to come in though. But usually they are already in when I come.) Then I began to question my way of leadership, again. Since the Book of Hope event, I hadn't been able to keep up with the rise of youth population and responsibilities. I haven't been able to monitor the staff regularly because of our different schedules. The ministry is like a very crazy disorganized cluttered room. And I'm used to order, schedules and planning. I have this Superman attitude to save the world, but I can't seem to rally people to 'do what I do,' or do I? Perhaps I just wanted someone to feel my burden. I wanted a twin. Ramblings in my mind... I'm thinking if my leadership is still working. Somehow think I tend to repel some people away from me. I read something from John Maxwell, about Charisma, one of the 17 leadership qualities. A leader without charisma after talking to a person, makes the person think how good that leader is. A leader with charisma after talking to a person, makes the person feel good about themselves. I think I'm the first one. I lack the 'charisma'. I heard in another preaching and take it as a true statement, that me as a leader should encourage a person to wanna strive to become who God wants him to be, not to lay out all the 'truth' that one would feel he would not measure up to become what God wants him to be. Perhaps I'm too hard on myself. But if this is true with me, I would change my style, but I feel I won't be true to myself. I don't even know how to change it in the first place. You'd never know how much I would like to become beneficial for everyone. But I figured you cannot please everybody. And what's with everyone not texting me directly if they can't make it to an activity. I guess they are just tired of seeing me get frustrated. I think they think they couldn't measure up. I want mavericks not people who would just say yes to me just because they don't wanna get me disappointed. Just random thoughts... Lord, please give me extra grace for the times I fail you, even now... You know me. You know my weaknesses and my potential to become the best I can be. Melt me so You can mold me to become someone You want me to become. I want to be what You want me to be. I know this is the road You want me to take. Lord, I need Your peace and presence.