Tuesday. I'm recuperating. I'm doing pretty good. I diverted myself to doing work so I will not think about it. I already did my OT reading assignment at home, so I can come in later. I have a few more things to do. I woke up today looking at my massive dark circles in my eyes because of sleeping so late. My mom gave me Stresstabs to take. I want to get away for a while. I'm wish I could return to the Cordillera during sembreak. School retreat is coming in two weeks.

"You know what 'fine' stands for, don't you?... Freaked out... Insecure... Neurotic... And Emotional..."

John Bridger, The Italian Job

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Galatians 6:9

Does your name begin with: P

You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of Doing anything that might harm your image or Reputation. Appearances count. Therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy...a good fight stimulates those vibes. You are relatively free of hang- ups.You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things.You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Today I had a discouraging encounter in the library. I was dismissed an hour earlier today before chapel, so I spent some time in the library to do my freelance work. After some time, the librarian alerted us that it was ten minutes to chapel time. And then, five minutes to chapel time... So there I was on the far side of the cubicles wrapping up my work. As the students thin out the library, this guy staff started alerting that it's chapel time. At this time I had no idea that it was me he was hinting. I was already standing ready to leave, but my laptop closes slow so I had to wait a few minutes. Then this guy, apparently offended by what looked like my insensitivity to his charge drew to the light switch on the side of the library where I was and turned it off with a remark on the side saying like 'what a tough nut!' At this moment I realize he was pissed at me. Then finally my computer shuts down, quickly put it in the backpack and walk fast to the door. Then the second blow came off, he said like I was some maarte, that needs to be called special names to respond. I thought, what is it with this guy? What did I do? It's enough that I got problems of my own right now, and this guy starts violating my personal emotional space. Now it makes me paranoid. I want to cook up answers. Maybe this guy like all computer guys are cholerics or melancholics. Maybe it was a bad day for him. I remember before walking from 7-11 to school, and we were to meet along the way, he avoided me, walking away from the sidewalk. I always hate walking there, because I always meet students from school, whom I need to decide if I'm going to say hi or what. But it seems that they do not look at me often now, and try to meet me in the eye. Maybe they concluded that I'm suplado. But anyway, that incident ruined my day in my lowest of weeks. Instead of going back to school after lunch to spend some time in the library, I decided to head home after having lunch with Emmanuel, my Indian friend. I told him the incident which he answered in the most Christian way: Forgive, even someone deliberately steps on your foot. The school isn't all that nice after all. This was one of the bunch of people that contribute to grow my paranoia and question my being. I am so down today. Yet time waits for no one. I have tons of things to do.

Lots of things going on lately... Today I drove to class on Research. Spent time in the library for research paper, and stayed a couple of minutes at the prayer room to deal some issues with God. Then I had an advisor check-up with my advisor Ma'am Marcia Anderson. Ma'am Marcia is a nice old lady, currently my professor in Old Testament 1. I love her Bible storytelling during class. I am learning a lot. I am so looking forward to talking with my adviser because I want someone to share my feelings and experiences at ASCM. In my second semester at ASCM, I still feel out-of-place. Professors are kind and great, but I need some company. My classmates in the masteral are either older or too foreign to relate with. I want to be part of the 'in' crowd, the younger people of the bachelors. It's liberating able to talk with Ma'am Marcia about my love life and my struggles in life. I'm looking forward to go the our semestral retreat this September 18-20. I have a deep need... Chapel time at school has been very difficult lately. Because He has been calling my attention, as in. Dreading and at the same time looking forward to go to chapel tomorrow. I've been wanting to fast lately for a need. But so far, I haven't made a move. I've noticed also that I'm always craving for food. I'm not getting fat, yet the pleasure of eating and eating is getting out of hand. I think I have lots of things in mind, a problem. It will be a hard battle to fast. Looking for a right time. I am planning to leave my job. There has been problems in the company. I am also getting unmotivated also. It's not fun work anymore. Everyday I drag myself to do the piling loads in my e-mail. I thought of joining Book of Hope team, because I think it's fun and cause-ful. I'm afraid of the change that will follow, especially on support. But in general, I am in auto-pilot to trust God and pray that His will for me be done. Today, at two different times, I saw the girl again, with a guy following her. It didn't broke my heart. I am getting weary and dry.

Today I drove the car to church. Led student fellowship. Ate at Golden Fortune with Johannsen, Brznf and Kuya Sur. Took them home. Sat for coffee in Figaro with Kuya Sur. Talk and talk and talk. Left at twelve.

Today I went to check out a synagogue (Jewish place of worship) as a field trip on our Old Testament 1 class with our beloved professor Marcia Anderson. The experience was amazing. The synagogue was located in Salcedo Village in Makati and is the only synagogue in the Philippines. We were introduced to a rabbi which I forgot to pronounce his name, something like Eliya-. He was a Hispanic Jewish rabbi originally from Puerto Rico and his wife is from Colombia. Both lived in Israel for a long time. He brought us to their sanctuary and explained the Judaist religion and answered our question about Judaism. He even allowed us to see their sacred Torah (Pentateuch) which is their Bible. I am impressed of this young rabbi's charisma and passion for his faith. But sadly, Judaism doesn't accept Jesus Christ as their Messiah. He strongly explained to us that Jews are still waiting for the Messiah to come to bring back and unite Israel. After almost 3 hours in the synagogue I went to the Liberal Party office to do a new project with them. After the meeting, I learned that I left the car keys locked inside the car. This was the second time that it has happened. So I went back to Manila to meet my dad who has the spare key and returned to the car. Then I went home feeling tired and stupid. Today was my brother's 19th birthday. We celebrated at home.

I Used to Be A God

I was too modest to admit it publicly But I knew I was God. What I wanted was right And I knew those who were righteous Or unrighteous By whether or not they did what I wanted. The good people praised me Honored me Believed whatever I spoke The evil ones did not. I intended to make my world happy If those in my world were obedient to my desires I rewarded them If they dissented I made them miserable. The only problem I had when I was God Was my competition Not from my fellow gods Who clamored and campaigned to assert their own deity But from the one who said "I AM THAT I AM." He claimed to be the Creator And Sustainer of the universe He claimed that though men might kill He had the power to raise from the dead At first I decided His claims were irrelevant Life is NOW Death is…? Like all claimants to godhood I lived with the fear that people Might discover that I was a phony After all, none of US created the universe! And as for rising from the dead I had to admit That I was afraid to be caught dead! I had to resign from being God I was forced by my conscience To renounce my claims of righteousness I had to turn to that One who proved He was the Creator By rising from the grave. Now that I am no longer God I can't give commandments But I do have some advice For those who might still think they are God. DON'T BE CAUGHT DEAD WITHOUT JESUS! Only He has the power over death. If you can't take my word for it Take His— 1 Corinthians, Chapter 15. — Moishe Rosen, Jews for Jesus

Sad news, after the Greek airliner crash. Now a Colombian airliner crashes in Venezuela killing 152 people. http://www.airdisaster.com/

It's a weird night last night... Last night there had a freak cockroach attack in the house. Coming out of the shower. My brother ran to our room because there were suicidal flying cockroaches in the living room - 4 of them! And they were on the wall preparing to fly. He already killed 2. I killed the other two. Then from the screen window we saw more trying to get inside. My father woke up because of the commotion. Outside, the neighbors were also round and about killing cockroaches. We killed a few more cockroaches around 10 casualties. Old people say that weird animal behavior in a large scale like this is a warning of some calamity coming like earthquake. But nothing happened. I hate cockroaches. Specially the flying ones. They walk up the wall and fly straight at you! Have they thought flying straight at a person seals their death? Woke up quite tired. I had the longest dream in months. It was a series of different events. I saw my highschool supervisor, my Stress & Conflict professor and the Music teacher at school. It's the weirdest thing.

Still awake. I don't want to sleep yet. Listening to worship songs on my iPod. Swimming-swimming in my alone time with God... My back is so slouched right now it hurts. Day 4 of my suffering from swollen hands. Itching is gone. But roughness and blisters still there. Today I went to meet a group of nursing students from Metropolitan Hospital College of Nursing to have a quick lunch at McDonalds. They were respondents from our Hopefest last July and now are going to our weekly Saturday bible study at church. While in McDonalds I also met Sis. Girlie while she waits for her child to finish class. After that I went to school for class at 5PM. Stayed at the library to work on book reading and assignments. During class Ma'am Marcia gave out the results of our midterm exams and i got a 96% score - 2nd highest in my class. So cool. Then received a 73% from my bible study report on Deuteronomy (because I didn't follow instructions). During my aimless wanderings at school, a girl approached me whom I know only by face. I don't think she knows me, but I assumed she knows I am a classmate of her friend. She began to ask me about her friend, where she is. I stuttered to blurt out an answer, "She's on the 6th floor." End of conversation. After that, I thought about the significance and product of the encounter and I had no idea. But I have noticed the girl since last sem at school. Hope to have a chance to get to know her more... I hope the girl I would end up with is already just around the corner. After watching a film-showing last Friday about "Finding the Right Partner" during Student Fellowship; an overnight phone conversation about relationship with a friend; a discussion about Joshua Harris' "Kissed Dating Goodbye," it all points out to one thing: if you decide to have a relationship, find someone who you'd choose as a wife. Who doesn't want to have a girlfriend? It's ironic and frustrating and loser-like that a person like me would end up penniless when it comes to love. I guess you can't have all the slices of the pie. But I'm longing to find someone whom I can care for, provide for and love second to my God. Someone who will love me as I am. Someone who will share my burden for missions and ministry. God, I know you know what's best for me. Help me to trust in You on this matter. I'm so broken right now. If you could thrust a dagger into a soul's heart, that's what I feel now God..

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked. For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.

- Sons of Korah (Psalm 84:10-12)

Entering Promise Land

I am learining just these past few weeks that some of my youth who graduate or are close to graduating are thinking of doing full-time ministry / going to bible school. That's great. Somehow it confirms the influence I had in them. Excited for the group of pastors that will be serving in the future. Few guidelines:

1. Pray, pray and pray some more.
2. Finish your bachelor degree first.
3. Work at least for one year. Evaluate after, if God is still calling you, then go for it.
4. Know how you will support yourself, just like Paul.
5. No turning back!

Life in the ministry is not a bed of roses. I have my alter-ego accuse me of going to ministry just because I'm too lazy to work. Not so. Ministry is hard work. And when I hear people venture to ministry, I can't help but think I'm luring them into a world of sacrifice, suffering, no weekend rest, see-how-much-my-college-friends are making now, watching-friends-get-married-and-have-family... but most of all, and most essential, they are going to the Promised Land, a place where they had to put all their trust - TRUST - in an illogical God.

"¹⁰I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. ¹¹I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. ¹²I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. ¹³I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

- Paul (Philippians 4:10-13)

An illogical God for a logical man. No matter how we make sense of it, God has His mighty ways of taking You through the wilderness. An illogical God who is not a respector of persons. An illogical God who splits oceans, rains bread from heaven, turns water to wine. What a mighty God we serve.

Been waking up and dozing in many successions today. I had to take medicine for the swelling hands, take a phone call, be told that my parents are leaving (cause they're taking Precious to the airport), woke up to a meowing cat because he's locked in our room! It was a good sleep though, I was on bed until lunch time. I slept early last night also around 10PM. My hands are still swolen. I'm going to the doctor this afternoon, after my drum sessions with Daryl. For now I'm putting petroleum jelly on my hands to ease the flaming and itching because I don't want to scratch it, though dunno if it helps.

Yesterday I woke up to swelling hands. It was enflamed and itchy. I didn't know if it was allergy or something. My mom said it was a symptom of high blood pressure. Incidentally I dined Friday night with my friends to crispy pata & sisig. So today after service I went to Metropolitan Hospital with my mom to have a check-up. Our doctor wasn't around so we we're directed to the Emergency Room. I got needle shots and after a while the swelling went away. But I felt very weak. I can still feel the needle that went through my arm. Ouch. The doc said it was an allergy. From what I don't know. My parents think it was from the cats. But we've had these cats for a year now. Tomorrow I'll visit the doctor again.

Hanggang Kailan

by Orange and Lemons I heard this last night from my brother. I like they're 70's like style and vocal sounds like Rey Valera... + Labis na naiinip | Nayayamot sa bawat saglit | Kapag naalala ka | Wala naman akong magawa + Umuwi ka na baby | Di na ako sanay nang wala ka | Mahirap ang mag-isa | At sa gabi hinahanap hanap kita| Hanggang kailan ako | Maghihintay na makasama ka muli | Sa buhay kong puno ng paghihirap | At tanging ikaw lang ang pumapawi | Sa mga luha at naglalagay ng ngiti sa mga labi + Di mapigilang mag-isip | Na baka sa tagal mahulog ng loob mo sa iba | Nakakabalisa, nakaluhod, 'wag naman sana On a similar note, Ramon Bautista, director and actor, I like, is hosting Game Plan in Studio 23 every Sunday, 1:30PM. He's so funny. Appeared on Radioactive Sago Project's Astro MTV.

I'm at the library right now. One of my hiding places. Doing some work. Blogging. I made it to my research class today. But I think they started earlier than 1PM so when I arrived they are already discussing lesson. We were dismissed early. It was great. After which I went to the music department to reserve the band room. One of the chapel bands which I am a part of wants to jam tomorrow after chapel service. Not knowing how to register, I approached a kind-hearted guy from the staff band (didn't get his name though, he's the keyboardist). He directed me to another lady at the office. She was not too happy to see me I think. I'm good at subtle hints of irritation. It bothers me now, why she was like that. She directed me to another lady which assisted me. Now I think I shouldn't have taken the leadership role in my band. Since I'm not from the music course. Because I think being skilled is one thing, but being able to be in harmony with the music community at school was another thing to be accepted. Well, that's not what I see right now. Since my audition, I should have been familiar music people. But when I meet them in school, as if I feel I have the obligation to say hi to them to be friendly, but instead, I have a blank and serious countenance that is typically me. I'm worried they would think I am suplado and unfriendly. I do not understand myself. Last week I felt the frustration of my bandmates, me not wanting to step up into leading the group into progress. I have this thinking of not being to firm (or in other words bossy and pushy) in leading the group because it was not my turf in terms of my course. I am thinking of quitting my band leader role and being absorbed by other bands... Talk about serious sick paranoia...